I will follow You.

When I say I have so much to tell you, it’s really an understatement. I have no idea where to begin. I’m thankful blogger doesn’t tell secrets like how many times you press the delete key! I have to keep reminding myself I have time. I do don’t I? You’ll come back, right? Oh, how I hope so:)

Ryan and I spent hours praying about and discussing adoption. Due to the Christmas break and family/friends having the kiddos, we were blessed with a lot of alone time. I see why now! Ryan was much more sure, steady, UNVELIEVABLY calm and cool. I, on the other hand, was not. I was an emotional wreck. My moment of surrender came one morning (Mon. Jan. 9th), when my husband looked at me and said “Britany, it’s much more scary to me to be disobedient and ignore what God is clearly telling us. I want His will for our family.” *whew* He will tell you now that those words were from the Holy Spirit, not “Ryan inspired” ;) Must have been, because those words pierced my soul. When God clearly gives me a command, or requires something of me, it’s usually the same process every time. I wish I could tell you I’m a mature, obedient Christian. I’m not. At first I resist, dig my heels in, complain, get bratty with my “I’m not gonna!” attitude. But eventually, because I’m crazy wild about Him, I obey.

Skeptics, I am desperately praying you will watch and stay tuned. Even if just to see us fail. God’s timing is un-be-live-able. As I’m thinking back on how everything has taken place it’s amazing to me. I don’t know how it’s possible to look and not see God’s divine pen writing this story! A couple of months prior, I had sent off for informational packets on adoption. You know when you’re on random sites and there are ads off to the sides? One click led to another and so on…I remember confessing to my friend and telling her I had no idea why I did it, I just did. Anyway, our first step was to make a prayerful and educated decision on whether we would pursue an international or domestic adoption. (although I’ll tell you now, my heart was being pulled to Africa, specifically Ethiopia. Their eyes haunted me, called to me. But that’s a secret for now!) I picked up one of the information packets I had received and got on America World’s website. There was an “Adopted by Design” seminar THAT Thursday in San Antonio. Of course, we went. I was so nervous I was shaking all over! It was like I was about to sing the national anthem at the super bowl. I might as well have been on a roller coaster that night seeing as though I experienced every emotion under the sun. BUT, God was most definitely there. When the woman was giving a breakdown of the costs (and I was freaking out), her husband interrupted and said “Please don’t let these numbers scare you. God funds what He favors.” When he was praying at the end of the seminar and I was feeling nauseous and anxious, doubting God again he said, “God I pray right now against the spirit of fear, of doubt, and anxiety. Help us to trust in You and Your plan.” And by the way, they were in the process of adopting from Ethiopia.

The Friday morning after the seminar, Dylan and I had some time before school. I spread all of the informational sheets on each country out on our table and we discussed each one. He grabbed Ethiopia and said “This one, mom. This one. Mom, look at their eyes.” That night Dylan was hunting with Grandpa and we were alone with Ella. We did the same thing with her and which one did she grab? Yup, Ethiopia. “I want this one, mommy. I like their EYES!” Don’t ask, I don’t know the significance with the eye thing.

The next evening Ryan and I were sitting on the couch and I was creeping on Facebook. (don’t judge, you do it too) One of my friends had posted that the African Children’s Choir was going to be at Austin New Church the following morning. I told Ryan and we both knew where we would be going to church Sunday! I tried to get a bunch of my friends and my brother to go but circumstances prevented them from coming. It was just me and Ryan as the kiddos were with Mimi and Grandpa. People, I cried the whole time. My heart fell open and I cannot begin to articulate the feelings that rushed over me. It was beautiful. These precious children were beautiful. In spite of the tragic loss of one or both of their parents, hardships we as Americans will never know, poverty beyond our imagination…they praised. Beautiful, pure, heartfelt praise to a God who is bigger than their circumstances. It was in that moment I knew. I was going to be the KUNTRY, BUDA LIVIN’, REDNECK, PASTY WHITE mother to a precious African child. I know, crazy, huh?

I decided I wouldn’t say anything to Ryan because I didn’t want to sway him one way or the other. I wanted Him to hear from God and ultimately lead us in the direction based on what God was telling him. (try not to act so surprised) We didn’t even make it to the car before he squeezed my hand and said “Well, that was NOT a coincidence.” We practically skipped to the car like a couple of giddy school girls. No one around us knowing the joy of confirmation we were feeling DEEP within our spirits. He proceeded to tell me how he was going to tell his parents and I should get online and apply. Pay the NON-REFUNDABLE application fee (those who know my husband, know the non-refundable thing is HUGE, this said he meant business), and sign up for the Ethiopia program. It was decided, INSERT HUGENORMOUS EXHALE HERE!!!!!!

*DISCLAIMER* I feel it important to address the grumbles of those who want to judge our decision. I hear you, people, I’ve been one of you. During this time we also researched and sent off for information on domestic adoption, as well as contacted some of the agencies the seminar had recommended. Not one of them got back to us. We spoke to others who have personal experience with domestic adoption and openly explored both avenues and prayed for God’s direction. It has been very clear to US where God is leading US. Domestic or International adoption all matters. Experts say there are between 143-203 MILLION orphans in the world. As my friend Karen said, choose one.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Only God...

I have been waiting to share some very CRAZY news. But I wanted it to be perfect. I have so much to tell you, but my heart keeps leading me to start with this letter. I wrote it to our family in a raw moment of surrender. Thanks to my sweet friend, Stephanie McIntyre, the blog is almost in order! (I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing!) It will be beautified as time moves along but I knew today was the day. Tell everyone you know! Share it, Pin it, Email it! I PROMISE, you need to hop on this crazy train! 

It is with great pleasure I now invite you to join the crazy Krauses on the journey of a lifetime.....

~The Letter to our Family~

How I so wish we were gathered in Nana’s kitchen right now. I need to have a talk with my family and, unfortunately, email is the way it will be done today. I can picture us in the kitchen though, and I can see each of your faces:-).

There are times in an individual’s life when we just, plain and simple, need our family. Times when we need love, support and wisdom that only family can offer. Times when we need the kind of prayers only your family can pray for you. God is turning our life upside down. Our very comfortable, very blessed, very happy, very stable (did I say comfortable?), predictable life…upside down. I will try my hardest to give you the condensed version!

 It started mid-year when I began to hear the whisper: “Be my hands and feet.” Okay, sure Jesus, I can do that. So, I remembered that command every time I was asked to do something for someone (mostly keeping a herd of kids), and being nice to those I really wanted to be ugly to, etc. Meanwhile, I was so dead spiritually. I was thirsty, I was hungry. I needed a heavy dose of the Holy Spirit, I desperately wanted to hear from my God, but He was silent. Being a girl who was born in love with Jesus, who has never known a life without that holy communion, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I walked around in this state for months. Only God and I being privy to this awful secret. Then, one normal Friday, a woman came to speak at our church. She described, word for word, exactly how I was feeling. In fact, I totally had a God moment. She was looking straight at me and the room went blurry, literally blurry, I couldn’t breathe. It was just me and her and God’s message. I wanted to run from the room.

In spite of not possibly being able to fit another “God Thing” into her schedule, in spite of being a Lifer in the church, a pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife, in spite of serving, writing/leading/participating in Bible study, she was spiritually empty. After wallowing in this for a while she had a “Come to Jesus” where she begged Him to raise up a Holy Passion inside of her. Long story short, He did. Her message to us was, what!? Being the hands and feet of Jesus, LITERALLY. How the bible is clear about serving the poor, the widowed, the orphan the least of these, in the kingdom of God. Not, figuratively, literally.

I left scared and excited, HE’S SPEAKING TO ME, GOD IS REALLY SPEAKING TO ME!!!! I had been given a big drink of the Living Water and, for that moment, my thirst had been quenched.  (Remember I’m trying to write the very condensed version:) I began to pray that God would be clear with me. What does it mean for me to be your hands and feet?  It was a crazy weekend. If you ask Ryan, I bet he would tell you I barely spoke. I could think of nothing else, I could only pray and ask and offer myself up to Him. I searched His Word, questioned and prayed some more. In the following days and weeks I was bombarded with scripture about caring specifically for the orphan. With heart wrenching statistics about neglected, abandoned children. Not just in my personal search but all around me, in my comings and goings. EVERYWHERE I WENT! I was clear with God that this was not what I was talking about, but I couldn’t deny what He was telling me.  I decided He meant I was supposed to support those around me who were adopting, pray for the orphans. Yes, that’s what He was saying. BUT when my husband, who I had mentioned NONE OF THIS TO (why in the world would I!?), told me how God was speaking to HIM about adoption, I had to put my big girl panties on and face my Lord. Eye to glorious Eye.

Some days I feel frozen, nauseous, like I’m going to throw up. Scared.To.Death. Some days I can’t think of anything else, I can’t educate myself enough, pray enough, dream enough. And then I’m back to the
“I think I’m gonna throw up” feelings. We have been praying, seeking and praying some more. Oh, family, HE WON’T LET US GO. How I wish He would let us go, but just as soon as I think He’s forgotten, we are BOMBARDED with His very clear message. As I type this I can’t control my tears because the reality is falling so hard on me. I’m scared, so scared. But I know one thing, I want to be used by Jesus, I want to make Him famous. I want to be obedient and I know to ignore Him now would be to sin.  I want to be where He is, I want to love Him with my whole heart and love His people, I want to be His hands and feet, no matter the cost.

10 years ago this year, the medical world told Ryan and I we would not be able to have children. 8.5 years ago, bald and 2 months away from my last chemo treatment, I was told I was going to have a baby.  5+ years ago I stared at a positive pregnancy test in spite of birth control. God had other plans. At 26 years old with a 4 week old baby, Ryan and I sat in a urologist’s office with a perplexed doctor. “Are you sure? You two are so young. A vasectomy is a big decision.”  “YES, WE ARE SURE!” Last February, a hysterectomy was no big deal to me considering the decision of no more children had already been made. Well, I’m fearfully telling you today, God has other plans. He is calling us to expand our family through adoption. By His design. (see, I’m feeling nauseous again)

We ask that you would be willing to come alongside of us, most importantly PRAY for us. We are scared to death (in case I haven’t already mentioned this:) and we really don’t know what we are doing or where to begin. Domestic adoption, International adoption, from what country, how are we going to fund this, boy/girl, what age would be best...There are so many things to consider but one thing’s for sure, we know our God has all the answers. We know that He will provide. He is, after all, Jehovah-Jireh, our provider. We are currently trying to educate ourselves in any way we can. All we know is that we will only consider a child younger than Ella. Most likely between the ages of 2 & 4. After that, we have no idea.

We desperately want the blessing and support of our family. I know it all sounds crazy, but we are crazy, crazy wild about Jesus. And do I really need to mention that it’s really all your fault? Each of you have a responsibility in my craziness and my love affair with Him!!  Please, please, please pray hard for us as, to quote Paula, we chase after Jesus with all our hearts.

Will you join us on this God-Adventure?

Love,

Brit & Ryan

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