My Dearest Ella Bella

The familiar taste of salt on my lips is evidence of the tears that won’t stop coming…Seriously, like for over a week now! Every day since that fateful August 27th, I have lied in bed with these strange butterflies dancing circles in my belly. I have walked through my days with what seems to be a very large vise clamp suffocating my heart. I have been wondering where the old Britany, who used to scoff at crazy ladies like me, went off to.

Today I couldn’t take it anymore, and the dam broke. I finally had the “my baby just started kindergarten and she might as well be gone forever” break down. It was ugly & it was messy but very necessary to my mental well being.

I wish I could grab the old Britany by the face and tell her she was an ignoramous! That she had no idea what she was talking about and that one day Mean Mabel would grow into a beautiful little 5 year old who would leave. Okay, maybe for only 7 hours a day. But she leaves. Every morning. And bottom line…I’m missing her like crazy:)

My dearest daughter,
I don’t know any other way to say it. I miss you. This house is so painfully quiet as I write you. Sometimes the silence is welcomed, but right now I’m longing to hear the song that has made it’s way from your heart to your lips. I am craving the music of your laughter. I miss you.

We started Bible study today. I realized that it was my very first Bible study without you. When I first started going, I was carrying you with me in my belly. You have always been there and, once again, I missed you.

I missed getting you ready and watching you put together the most “colorful” of outfits. I missed rushing to get your snack and drink ready then yelling you out the door:) I missed you hanging out with me while I got the room ready for the ladies. I missed scolding you for slipping Sean’s airsoft pellets in your pocket. I missed dropping you off in class and watching your sweet teacher’s reaction to your crazy “Ella” style. I missed rushing outside to pick you up by 11:30. I missed your sweet smile peeking out from behind the playground fence-eyes searching for your mommy amidst the many. I missed gathering ALL of your pictures and precious rock treasures. I missed you running off in your high heel boots only to remove them so you could climb the slide. I missed you calling me to push you on the swings. (I so should have done that more, my sweet girl) I missed your cheerful chatter as we drove to Chick-Fil-A to meet all your friends. (and mine:)

Ella…I miss you<3

This last week has dropped the inevitable in my lap. You are growing up and I’m understanding why they write songs like “Let Them be Little” and “You’re Gonna Miss This”. How foolish I was to assume those years would never end, and worse, to hurry them along. In this moment I ache for them-literally!

BUT…

You, girlfriend, are the bravest gal I know! You have conquered this Kindergarten transition beautifully, which hasn’t surprised me one little bit! You are so amazing, Ella Nadine. And you are breathtakingly beautiful…especially when you shine for Jesus!

You have more gumption, more spirit, in your little finger than I could ever dream of having. My fervent prayer is that I NEVER quench that spirit! I think it’s so fitting that in the Bible, the word “quench” is used in reference to suppressing fire:)  My love, you are the most beautiful of fires. I pray God leads me as I direct that fire in you to burn only for Jesus.

I LOVE being your mom, sister! I LOVE that God chose me. It is a joy and great honor…which is probably why I miss you so!

I have 40 more minutes until I can kiss your sweet face, I’m counting the seconds!

~Mommy~

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